You can finally stop supporting a terrorist organization!
The United States of America
I’ve been sober for over 30 days! When I first decided to be sober I said I’d do it for only 30 days and see how it went. Now that I’m 30 days in I’m going to keep going. Who knows for how long but that’s not what I’m here to share with you today. Today I’m sharing my feelings of the house of representatives passing a bill that would revoke the nonprofit status of organizations deemed to be terrorist organizations by the government. Onto the news…
News that made me feel like my loaded fries are complicit in terrorism
The house of representatives has passed a bill that if signed into law would revoke the nonprofit status of organizations supporting terrorism. How should you feel about this news? Excited that you can finally stop paying your taxes to the terrorist organization known as the United States of America. You can use that money to buy weed or start an insurrection or do both.
If the government says that nonprofit organizations that support terrorism can’t be nonprofit organizations, then it makes sense that funding a terrorist organization should also be illegal. And we fund a terrorist organization every day, when we go to work, when we buy loaded fries from that tasty vegan place that we like. I don’t know if there is a heaven, but deep fried potatoes covered with vegan meat, mayo, and whatever other sorcery that place puts on those fries might be it.
Also, I hate to break it to you but nonprofit organizations are not these saintly institutions that everyone wants to believe they are. Everyone imagines that nonprofits are going to save us from the plight of capitalism, which is very strange because they are funded by the very same people who are lighting the flames of the hell we live in.
I don’t know if anyone needs to hear this but the revolution will not be funded by Bloomberg Philanthropies. If you don’t recall, Bloomberg is the same man who paid 1 billion dollars for his presidential campaign while being haunted by a sexual assault rapsheet longer than your CVS receipt. Does that sound like a revolutionary to you?
I looked up who were the largest donors to nonprofit institutions and shockingly they were all billionaires. I use shockingly here sarcastically. Like when I say shockingly Joe Biden is friends with the devil.
Speaking of the devil, the Walton Family Foundation is also one of the top nonprofit funders. Walton, if you don’t know, is named after the egotistical demons who own Walmart. The same people who pay their workers so little that these workers need a food drive to feed their families claim to care about education and the environment. Maybe the Walton Family Foundation should include workers’ rights among its goals. However, it won’t do this because stealing workers’ wages is how they got enough money to start a foundation.
I went to graduate school because I wanted to make the world a “better” place. But I was wrong. Turns out the way you make the world a better place is from stealing and oppressing people, then using the money you’ve extracted from the people you’ve oppressed to save the people you’ve oppressed. I thought saving the world was simple arithmetic but turns out it’s calculus. I’m incapable of comprehending it and lack the interest to pursue it.
Nonetheless, this is not me saying that this bill is not an attempt for the fascists to control people. I’m just saying if we want to live in a world where everyone’s needs are met, nonprofits are not the answer. Destroying capitalism is the answer. Destroying capitalism is always the answer. Unless your question is how do I buy a personal superyacht from stealing wages while claiming to be a good person because I have a nonprofit?
That’s it for the news but don’t go yet
Today’s column was heavily inspired by the first time I ever told the news to a live audience! Enjoy the throwback video and if you are NYC come to my news show on 12/7 at Friends and Lovers in Brooklyn. You can buy your tickets here.
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