My anxiety is anti-work

And other corporate nightmares

Hii, I’ve been panicking and then panicking about panicking lately. So on this week’s delight I’m sharing ramblings of anxiety, my first corporate job, and random photos I took while existing. Onto the delights…

My anxiety is anti-work

As I’m applying for jobs in the midst of multiple genocides, natural disasters, and Jeff Bezos’ existence, my body starts heating up. I place the cold glass of water I’ve been drinking on my shoulder to calm me down. The first coping mechanism I learned when I felt an oncoming panic attack was to hold something cold in my hand. Sometimes I stick my head in my freezer where all the ingredients I bought for making smoothies stare at me inquiring, so are you really going to ever make smoothies? I retort back, shut up frozen kale, can’t you seem I’m losing it over here.

Holding ice was much better than scratching my upper arms until I break through skin. Every single time my body heats up and I start feeling like my heart will burst through my chest I’m terrified of that feeling of losing complete control over my own body.

I feel like my anxiety is anti-work because it flares up when I’m looking for a job, at a terrible job, or thinking about getting a job.

I was walking around New York City with my dad and partner years ago and I had to sit on the sidewalk because I was terrified of existence. These attacks stopped happening in 2020 but they are back like the terminator, like Donald Trump’s presidency, like return to office. Funny, my panic attacks stopped during the beginning of a pandemic because my spirit was happy I didn’t have to go into the office.

The panic attacks came back at my last corporate job. I was working for a terrible boss. She was a white woman. I name her whiteness because there is a study that has shown that when Black women are surrounded by mostly white coworkers, their career prospects are worse. Every time I’ve worked for a white woman my life has been hell. Every single damn time. There has never been an exception. It’s like these woman watch Sex and the City and think that in order to live Carrie’s life they have to torture any Black woman they encounter at work. I’m not a woman but that’s how people perceive me so they treat me accordingly.