I had a conversation with my therapist about how it was so hard for me to “do well” in the workplace because at the end of the day white people want me to kiss their asses and I refuse to do that. As a result of that it doesn’t matter how well I do at my job. It will never be enough because I won’t give them the thing they want the most which is to spread those cheeks and motorboat. Sorry not sorry for the terrible visual because yuck!
I later told my therapist that it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, it just doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough. Keep in mind I’ve been on disability for four months because I’ve been very unwell. My only job is to get better, but according to me I’m not getting better fast enough so I can do the one million things I need to do. She responded by telling me what I’m saying about never doing enough sounds exactly like how I’ve been treated by white people at work.
I was not ready for this attack! It thought my therapy zoom sessions were a safe space, not a place to be accused of internalizing white supremacy. How dare she suggest that my feelings of inadequacy were a tool of white supremacy! How dare she imply that being told that I was never good enough led to me being my own cop?
I took a moment to gather myself, pulled my jaw from ground, and nodded. I said you know what, you are right through my grinding teeth. She was right; I have let people who don’t have my best interests in mind define me.
After the session I wrote the following poem. This one is a really personal one and took me a lot to share it because I literally cried after I wrote it. It’s called You Matter
You Matter
When they made you feel like nothing you were something
When they made you feel like you didn’t matter you mattered
When they said you can’t have this thing called joy because we decide when you deserve it, you listened
You listened even though they never thought you mattered
You listened though they never thought you were something
You let people who don’t love you and don’t see you decide your value
You let people who want to use your insecurity to benefit themselves decide when it was okay for you to be happy
You can’t do that anymore
You gotta have the courage to decide that you are worthy of joy and love because you are
You are worthy of joy and love because you are here
You are worthy of joy and love because I said you are worthy of joy and love
You are worthy of joy and love for no reason
You are worthy of joy and love because of all the reasons
You are worthy of joy and love because joy and love is the shit that matters
And you matter
The art
This art was also inspired by my therapy question. I’ve always been told in order to matter I have to pursue things, but all I really want to do is live.
That’s it for the delights!
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Love this post, Marcela. The story and poem are powerful. Just shared the poem with a friend who I think could particularly benefit from reading it. Thanks!