I have new goals

and they feel good

This weekend I had lunch with a friend and she asked me what my goals for the year were and honestly I couldn’t help but remember when I was a freshman in college and I outlined all my classes for the next three years. Yes, I was going to graduate in three years because I was an overachiever who had gotten a lot of college credit for my IB and AP classes. While everyone else was partying in high school, I was busily amassing college credit. To be fair, there were lots of people who partied and amassed college credit. I didn’t party because I didn’t want to, I didn’t party because I wasn’t invited. My point is that I planned all my classes my freshman year because all my life I’ve felt like if I didn’t know exactly where my life was going, I was already a failure. This explains my constant anxiety where the worst thing you can do to me is throw a surprise party. I hate surprises so much, especially good ones. Without goals I felt like I was a loser. Loser is obviously a loaded term because it’s been defined by capitalism as anyone who doesn’t want to play the game in this shitty system.