I can't let go of achievement

I'm really trying

I’ve always had a strenuous relationship with achievement. I distinctly remember being a child in Kenya sitting on the bench waiting. Waiting for my parents to pick me up. I had a piece of paper in my hand. I don’t remember if it was a report card or a note to my parents. It was the end of the school term so it was something regarding my performance in school. I don’t think I was older than five. I remember this thought kept looping in my brain. What if I’m stupid? 

I don’t like that word stupid and I don’t think it should ever be used to describe anyone, but it kept on looping in my brain. I don't know where I got the idea that not being smart was the worst thing that could happen to me. Maybe it’s because when visitors would come over to my home my parents would show off how their child who hadn’t started school yet could read. Maybe it was because I’ve always been an anxious person. I don’t know.